Hong Kong

Hong Kong
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

"If you wan' get drunk, get drunk. If you wan' jump in da pool nekked, jump in dat bitch nekked."

We went to Macau last weekend for 2 nights. Macau is one of the 2 SARs (Special Administrative Properties) in the People's Republic of China, the other being Hong Kong. It's basically Vegas: bright lights, gambling, excessive alcohol consumption, strippers, you know the deal.

We took the ferry from Hong Kong Island to Macau at 7 pm Friday night. We had planned on leaving at noon, but we were all so hungover from Beau's birthday celebration the night before that none of us were even awake at that time.

We arrived in Macau around 8 pm and got to our hotel, The Grand Waldo a bit after. We had to go through customs, which is always a pain, especially since they never think it's me in my passport picture. When my picture was taken I had to have weighed 30 pounds less, look 14 years of age, and am not smiling...which I always am.

We had a complementary dinner at the hotel, consisting of seafood salad, scallops, shark soup, and lamb shank. I had to make do since my breakfast and lunch consisted of 12 Ritz cheese crackers, and that was it.

That night I also played my first game of Roulette. I lost about 30 US dollars. I decided from that moment on I would never gamble again. I definitely would rather spend that money on alcohol and sex toys.

The next day our group headed to the Macau Tower for our bungee jumping experience!! aka the reason why we went to Macau in the first place. At 233 meters, the Macau Tower's bungee jump from the tower's outer rim is the highest commercial bungee jump in the world.

We took the elevator to the observation deck at the top of the tower and prepped for the jump. The "jump-masters" gave us our 'free' t-shirts and strapped us in our harnesses. If you've ever climbed a rock-climbing wall or anything similar, you know how these harnesses work. If you're a girl, it feels like a constant orgasm, as the strap falls right on your...(*cue Seinfeld reference: it rhymes with Delores). If you're a guy, the strap crushes your ball-sack and you are in constant pain. For once, I was happy that I was a girl. (99 times out of 100, it is better to be a guy. No one can argue with that. And if you're a guy and want to argue, shut the fuck up you're not the one that has to sacrifice your body for pregnancy later.)

:)




anyways.

The boys were all extremely uncomfortable, but as soon as they watched a man doing the jump, they completely forgot that their balls' circulation were being cut off and they began to shit their pants. Myself, on the other hand, besides for getting off to the strap on my harness, was not scared at all. I'm a little sick in the head when it comes to dare-devilish activities. I...don't...fear....death? I was just very excited.

After a few shed tears and all the boys performed their jump, it was my turn. (I volunteered to go last because everyone else was too much of a pussy to be left on the platform alone.) The free-fall was the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced, and I honestly may go again while I'm here.

That night, we all went to the Venetian so Hamza could continue his gambling winning-streak (he had earned 700 US dollars thus far in the trip). After Hamza bought us a bottle of Smirnoff in the food court (weird, right?) and we finished dinner, Ryan, Matt, Keith, and I headed to a club downtown called D2.

The club was cool but the best part were the cheesy dancers on the stage. A group of maybe 8 hot asian girls in bras and underwear were hired to dance like dumb sluts, so that obviously went over well with the guys. These dancers got off the stage only to be followed by the Head Whore In Charge and her two NSync-wannabe male dancers. This girl had the sickest body I've ever seen but her face was so fugly.

Her face was Janice Dickinson's plastic-surgery-infected cheek-bones and mouth, with Amy Winehouse's thick cat-eye eyeliner, with the browbone of a GEICO caveman. Needless to say, she was BEAT. I'm sure every guy in the club would've boned her right then and there though. All the attention was focused on her and the Nick Lacheys and every girl in the club looked so pissed.


aaand that's Macau for you!

Check out the video of me bungee jumping below!



Keep it skanky.

Friday, September 10, 2010

WE LANDED ON THE MOON!!!!!!!!

Since it is currently prime monsoon season in the Orient, I have been experiencing bright flashes of lightning and loud crashes of thunder right outside my bedroom window the past few nights. It's unlike anything I have ever seen before and I thought it would be a good idea to take a video so you could see it first hand. Well...this was actually the worst possible idea as the thunder and lightning had serious stagefright, and I ended up talking for 4 plus minutes awkwardly and aimlessly into the camera....

If you value your time whatsoever, I highly suggest that you don't watch this video. And if you're just in the mood to watch a dumb video, I would recommend "Bed Intruder Song" or anything by Good Neighbor Stuff on Youtube. Those dudes are effing hilarious.



...Speaking of Monsoons, I do appreciate the rain a little (it makes going out at night a bitch, though!) cause it cools down the air somewhat. On an average day, I'd say I lose 7 pounds of sheer sweat; it's disgusting. I have taken the word "swampass" to a whole new level. Being abroad and not having a job, I've seriously considered gathering my sweat beads off my face everyday, putting them in jars, labeling them as 'gypsy tears,' and selling them. (They cure AIDS, you know. And Herpes too...at least I haven't had an outbreak in a few weeks.) It may be hard to believe, but this is not even close in grossness to some of the things I have seen being sold off the streets here in Asia. I could sell my own nail filings and I could probably make a profit on them here.

One other thing:
I realize I haven't really described life in Hong Kong yet and the reason is simple- my nights have been very typical, aka Blackout City. As soon as I have an eventful night, where I don't need to be filled in for the most part, it will be up on ze blog.

HAPPY NEW YEAR & MY DEEPEST APOLOGIES GO OUT TO ANYONE WHO SUFFERED DURING THE VIEWING OF THAT VIDEO. I didn't say anything before, but you have 7 days to live....



BAHYE!

PS. I have fucking make-up class tomorrow. On a saturday. Why would my professors ever think that was okay?


Monday, September 6, 2010

hide your husband cause they rapin' errbody out here!

Two lessons I learned today:

1) The left-handed traffic rule that is exercised in Hong Kong is applied when swimming laps in a swimming pool.
2) Asians love speedos.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Asians Are Not Subtle When They Are Perplexed By Caucasians

And to update you on the more cultural activities we did in Beijing......
(I mean, that is what I'm here for, right?)

Tiananmen Square/Forbidden City - The most entertaining part was the people there. A lot of people in the cultural and historical areas of Beijing are Chinese tourists visiting from mainland China. A lot of these people have never seen white people before. Or Black people. Or Indian people. Or anyone not Chinese. They will come right up to you and start taking pictures of you...it's fucking weird as fuck and takes some getting used to. You're like uhhh ok fine? I got kind of into it, not going to lie, being a narcissist and all. Like sure you can take pictures of me? I was posin' n shit.


These people will shove their children in pictures and the kids will get all giddy that they took a photo with a Westerner! It's actually pretty adorable. It's like when you go to Disney for your first time as a little kid and you're too scared to ask the characters for their autograph or get in the picture with them. And then after a little push from your parents, you do it, and are so glad they made you. That's exactly what it was like, but in this case, we were the Disney characters. Just not as attractive.

To freak people out even more, we had Beau (who is snow white) and Tish (who is...well, Black) pose together and pretend like they were dating. Ryan and Stefan held hands. They looked gay. Just showin da people the reasons why Amurrrica is fresh2death!


Some Asian lady asked me if my boyfriend (I was walking with Adam so I guess that means he is my boyfriend) was from Brazil. Adam is Indian. Case in point of what happens when Google is restricted.

That was another thing -- internet censorship. Experienced that shit first hand. There are ways to get around it (VTunnel and other internet re-routers), thank the fucking Lord or I wouldn't have been able to access Youtube for 6 days. I wasn't able to get on Facebook though (hmm..reminds me of working at the Bureau of Labor Statistics this summer...) even through VTunnel. I could, however, log on using my phone. Don't tell the Chinese government that or they will have a heart-attack!

Oh yeah, then there was THE GREAT WALL OF FUCKING CHINA!


What about it? Um. It was great. (GET IT!!? LOLZ) I was able to check "Shotgun a beer on
the Great Wall of China" off my bucket list. That's all. Not much else to say but that you have to experience it first hand.

Beijing was cool, but we were extremely happy to leave and start our real lives in Hong Kong.

Slater!

I'm in Beijing, Bitch!


Korea was legit, Beijing smelled like shit.

but actually.
it smells like feces.

Beijing is one of the dirtiest places I've ever been. The air is fucking narsty and just like....thick.

...this did not stop us from going hard, however. It may have even been the reason for our crucial need to rage constantly.

I was recommended to check out a club called Chinadoll by a friend of mine at school, so we took up this opportunity not 1, but 3 nights.

Chinadoll is located in the shopping/bar-area called Sanlitun. The inside of Chinadoll is trendy, upscale, and definitely has more of a club feel. It's known for getting some of the hottest DJs in Asia too.


But, our token epic night (we gotta have at least one night where shit gets a little too weird [even for us] in every city we go to) happened on Chinadoll's sick-ass rooftop. I'm a huge fan of rooftop bars and Chinadoll did not disappoint in this aspect. [Pictured above.]

After a successful pre-game with my main man Captain Morgan, we got to the bar around midnight or so. As it was still early in the night (2 am is considered early in Asia) most people were chillin' on sofas, drinking casually.


Then BOOM. Something hit Chinadoll.

The second we get there we immediately start raging face. Ryan's doing his stupid shirt-move, Matt's doing his signature "Syraccuuuuuse" fist-pump, Hamza is yelling "I'm in Beijing, bitch!"

Basicalllly, there was a fountain with a platform in the middle of it. I'm not sure if this platform was intended for dancing on, but we danced on it regardless. [Pictured left.] Pretty soon Ryan was doing backflips into the fountain and I was practicing my breaststroke. Why security let this happen is beyond me....

People discontinued their conversations just to watch us. It was like the first time Americans saw the show, The Jersey Shore. We looked fucking ridiculous.

Apparently I ended up passing out mid-conversation with a group of around 10 people and they told my friends it was one of the most impressive things they had ever seen. They also were somewhat concerned and wanted to clarify that they didn't roofie me or anything.

I do remember getting back to the hotel, but I woke up in Keith and Matt's room? Catherine was also worried because she had found my shoes that I had worn out that night in our room...both with the heels off.

I had some mystery-solving to do...

I found out that one of my heels broke as a result of kicking Adam, which made me angry I guess? so I proceeded to kick the wall with my other foot out of contempt for my broken shoe, ultimately breaking the other heel. I guess playing in a fountain with 10 dollar heels that I bought off the streets of Korea will do that.

I also was informed that when we left the bar, I told Matt to block me as I peed on the side of the road, while being scolded by some random Chinaman.

Oops?

Signing off with nO rEgReTs,

-D$

Friday, September 3, 2010

SEOULJA BOI TELL EM

So it's been about a week since I've been back from traveling in South Korea and Beijing and I'm finally unpacked and caught up on sleep. I realize there is so much to tell about our traveling seminar but I thought I'd just highlight some of the high/low points.

Seoul, South Korea:
All in all, South Korea is like the United States on crack: very modern, westernized, technologically-savvy (supposedly it has the fastest internet in the world but I beg to differ.)

The people there are a little too friendly for my liking. They think it's okay to just grab you and pull you into a store. Well..it's not. I almost shat my pants the first time some little Asian lady did that to me, I thought I was being abducted.

In Seoul, the area we went out in was called Hongdae. Really good
night life, shopping, restaurants, etc.

We pregamed at a bar called Ho Bar. (There are actually several of them throughout Seoul. The one we went to was creatively called Ho Bar Two.......pictured above with some random Azn.) The cool thing about Ho Bar is that you can request songs for the bartenders to play on the stereo. I requested Sisco's The Thong Song and Third Eye Blind's Semi-Charmed Life, naturally. They were huge hits. Girls were flopping their titties everywhere. And by girls I mean myself.

After Ho Bar, we went to a rap/hip-hop club called NB, which I later found out stands for Noise Basement. We stayed on the second-level by the bar so we could maintain a high enough BAC to not care that we were in a club packed solely with Asians.

The bar tenders pull maybe one of the dumbest moves ever -- they fill up about 5 shots of tequila at the bar and line them up with a little sign in front saying "$5 PER SHOT".....this was just asking for stupid drunk kids to come along and steal the shots right off the bar. I can't even count the amount of times we did this. I was also able to cop a few shot glasses in the mix...I couldn't leave any evidence of the crime, ya know?

Here's a little video, so you can get a feel for a the Korean Hip Hop club. 'Twas an Asian fantasy...





This one Asian (bottom left) wanted my dick so bad I can't even tell you. He was Asian though so that was the problem right there.

Overall, shit got pretty weird and we ended up going back to Ho Bar and NB for round 2 a different night.

Seoul was real.


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Her vagine hang like a sleeve of wizard.


Hello! (or should I say Nǐ hǎo?)

This is my first ever blog! WOOOOOT! I never considered myself the blogging-type. I don't even care enough about my own thoughts to record them, so I don't know why other people would give a shit about them? But after much thought, actually, none at all, I decided to create a blog to track my daily adventures in China this fall. It only made sense since I will be a busy gal and won't have time to personally email each and every one of you every time I do something crazy in the land of little people. Because you all care. Wait, you don't? oh.


...anyways, I am in the process of writing up a bucket list for myself when I'm in Asia and I will post it when I have finished it. My goal is to cross off every one of these tasks and keep you updated as I fulfill them. So far I have: ride an elephant, shotgun a beer on the Great Wall of China, and hook up with some random Asian dude. (1 out of these 3 won't be too difficult. You can guess which. Kidding. But not really.)


Jagshemash! First blog post = GREAT SUCCESS! Plus Lauren Krebs really wants to go to the gym so I need to log off this shit. See you all again in August!!!!!!!!